How I live my life now.

The way I live my life now isn’t so much to be better at stuff.

Sometimes I try and be happier or more confident. I’ve even got tricks that work to achieve that effect.

Seriously, no word of a lie now, no matter how down in the dumps I get; no matter how stuttery, anxious and unable to look you in the eye I get all I have to do to get out of that muddle is start meditating.

I just sit down for 20 minutes twice a day if I can or even once a day and within days – seriously I kid you not – it just starts fixing itself.

No effort.

I still get anxious and stressed and what have you but I can still look you in the eye.

I think I’m a naturally excitable chap and part of my problem is that I’ve stigmatized that and so taught myself that I’m a naughty boy if I lose my equanimity.

In a sense I’ve tricked myself into thinking that the manifestation of energy is a bad thing.

And meditation gets me out of that bind.

The funny thing is once I get to a sufficient state of Buddha feeling I often relapse.

I think this is natural.

I mean if I constantly maintained the Buddha state I would do so out of fear of the relapsed state.

So I just bounce from one to the other.

And the thing is each bounce doesn’t just seem a mundane back and forth. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with myself when I don’t do what I know I should and do what I know I shouldn’t.

Now I can hear gasps of shock in my imagined audience. But the strange thing is that as I have become more comfortable with the mess I am I have been able to maintain a competence within that mess that I couldn’t when I fought it.

The mess doesn’t change. I still stutter, feel anxious and what not but on another level I’m not there trying to fight it.

I think this is the bodisattva (I probably haven’t spelt that right but those who care about such trivial nonsense ain’t getting it and those that don’t don’t need to get it. Haha do you enjoy my dance? I do) phenomena.

I think everyone gets those flashes or times of satori, enlightenment or whatever and in them they have the choice whether or not to come back and they always come back because the only reason they wouldn’t is fear and satori and fear are kind of mutually exclusive.

Most people get them on the edge of sleep and wakefulness.

I don’t know if meditation and mindfulness would work for you. I just know they do for me. I hope they work for you. But you might be on a different path.

Maybe there is no hope for you. I simply don’t know. I just know what works for me and I feel so lucky it does.

The biblical dialectic

The Torah pushes the lie that we are separate from god. It doesn’t do this by telling us to do bad things. It’s much more subtle than that.

By the very act of issuing a command god initiated the seperation. You don’t tell yourself what to do. Even if you do have a little voice saying “do so and so at such and such a time” you are projecting this from outside of yourself.

At least it appears that way. Are you that voice? Surely not because it comes and it goes and you remain. So even when you give a command to yourself you have to initiate a seperation. You need to create a distinction between the you who tells you what to do and the you who does (or often doesn’t) do what you are told.

Now then this distinction is death. It is dissolution. That is to say it is a fragmentation of a whole.

This occurs whether you are obedient or not. That is to say that obedience is irrelevant when it comes to this seperation.

So really Adam and eve died the day they were told not to eat. They just became aware of it when they and god went their seperate ways.

When their will became evidently seperated from the superficial will of god.

This is how Paul can say with one breath that “I delight in the law of god after the inward man” and with the next that “the commandment which was (apparently) ordained to life I found to be unto death”.

Now of course I’m missing out some steps. The mechanism by which the command creates the illusion of seperation or death is sin which as I have shown elsewhere (just type sin in my search bar) is failure.

So we come to feel seperate from god when we fail to do what god commands.

But that seperation was already there when god gave the command. See god pushed us away we didn’t flee from him. At least in the biblical narrative.

Now how would doing what god commands make any difference? It obviously wouldn’t. At least not to the seperation between us and god.

Really when you are under the law oneness with god is simply not on the table. You may feel he is pleased with you or displeased with you; which one is entirely dependent upon how hard on yourself you are.

But guilt or innocence do nothing to change it. In fact they both exacerbate the sense of seperation.

This is why Paul says in 1 corinthians “all things are lawful to me”. It’s really the same statement as “We are saved by Grace”. Our unity with god just is. You see it or you don’t. If you see it then no matter what you do it will still be there.

This seeing is something you either have or you don’t. It doesn’t matter how naughty or nice you are. I’m actually convinced that Charles Manson gets this… as did Ghandi.

God takes responsibility for evil. “Shall there be evil in a city and the Lord hath not done it”. “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.”

Don’t try and get him off the hook. Who made you God’s lawyer? Don’t you think he can do a better job himself?

What is salvation? Eternal life right? And what is eternal life? “this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent“.

Jesus said of himself “The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise.”

What Jesus was doing was showing our actual (whether we know it or not, whether we like it not) relationship to god.

Look at yourself as you think, as you act and as you experience. Everything and I mean everything; your thoughts, decisions, feelings and everything you sense have this quality of coming from nowhere and going nowhere.

What do you think that nowhere is? All because you are not aware of a thing doesn’t mean it’s not there and this thing, this place from which everything you call you comes is the ultimate invisible.

It can’t be spoken.

It can’t be touched.

It can’t be conceived.

And it’s from there that we come and we go. Not just way back then when I metastasized from my mother but right now. Right this second we are proceeding out from this unmentionable and vanishing into it.

We are the image of it. As is everything else.

“Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:”

In revelations it says of Christ he was the “Lamb slain from the foundation of the world“. What this is saying is the exact same thing that the communion is saying.

“Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.””

This act along with the crucifixion was pointing back to the creation.

God incarnated himself in physical form and then crucified himself. He split himself up into many parts.

This incarnation isn’t seperate from god just as the movements of a dancer aren’t seperate from the dancer.

Then hid from himself by acting out man and telling man (himself) what to do. Just as you do in your head all the time with all your pretend conversations.

Does this mean the death of Jesus 2000 years ago was just a symbol? In a way it does but it’s a symbol that points forward as well as backward.

It was the end of the hide part of the cosmic game of hide and seek god plays with himself and it’s defining feature was “all things are lawful for me”. It was the end of the command.

At least it was for the Hebrews.

In response to “what’s the point to anything if we are all gonna die? Why not just die now?”

If life is no fun… ever… And you know this and you’ve tested this then kill yourself.

But why not wait for a bit? Why the rush?

So you’ve decided to kill yourself… You’re actually going to do it….

Stop for a bit and look around.

Is there anything you want to do but haven’t because you’re too scared.

Why not do it now?

Rob that bank, fuck that horny granny, tell a random beautiful or ugly person they’re beautiful or ugly.

What’s stopping you from doing It? What’s scaring you?

Your gonna die right? And You’re gonna die when you choose?

What threat can possibly exist against you?

Don’t you see you are god?

Deadly musing

To the caged bird the uncaged bird is a scary thing.
It’s like people haven’t got the fundamental fact.
We’re all gonna die. Everyone of us. 
Now this can be good or bad. If you’re lucky enough to have had your face smacked by the love reality than you don’t know what it is but you know what’s doing it so you’re cool with whatever the answer to the death question is.
If you’re not lucky enough to have that (and I’m sorry but it’s pure luck no merit. I’m sure there’s a part in the gospel of John where Jesus elucidated this. His disciples are. Arguing and he’s like “why are you arguing don’t you know it’s the father that chooses. What’s the point in these frivolous words” or something like that) then you don’t know.
But either way you are definitely gonna die.
This hell is just indigestible nonsense. What would you say about me if I said to you “come to my party or I’ll kill you”?
You’d think I was a twat and you’d be right.
So we’re all gonna die.
Say if you advise someone wrong. Well their gonna live their lives with it’s ups and downs then – guess what? – they’re gonna die.
Same with the good advice.
Follow this. I mean really follow the white rabbit. Hitler. Really bad. I wouldn’t have done what he did. But guess what? What was the effect of his actions? 
You got it people did what they would have done anyway. They died.
A villain in Sherlock said in response to Dr Watson’s “but you made people die” “THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO”
Am I saying that you should go out and kill people. No but I’m not not saying that.
What I’m getting at is this. 
Who the fuck are you really? I mean let’s get beyond all the consequences and legalistic bullshit. Who are you when no one’s looking?
Remember ultimately it don’t matter what you do. God’s will is being done.
So let’s get to reality here. What are you protecting me from? What’s the worst that can happen to us?
People die that’s what they do why throw up hazard signs?

Thoughts on death

Listening to: https:Woodkid – Iron

I want you to imagine a situation.

You are confronted with a mass of enemies who are going to kill you.

There is no doubt about this fact.

What are you going to do?

Now this is important to consider because if you accurately see this situation you will see that there is going to be no recompense for the action and no avoidance of negative consequence.

You are definitely going to die irrespective of how you act up to that definite set in stone event.

There is a reason why these scenarios are a favourite of cinema and drama and it’s because in that moment, when death is certainly imminent, when you are confronted, literally face to face with the insurmountable enemy…

Well then you are you and you shout or you cower but now there’s no master but you and you alone.

I imagine I’d fight, bang swords on shields and shout incoherently as I belligerently nutted the inevitable.

But what’s fascinating about it… is that that roar you imagine screaming into the hurricane is a kind of outpouring.

The ultimate and primitive expression of man vainly declaring ownership of the situation.

That though I die I will own my death, I will not go gently into that good night.

There’s a romantic feel to this, the Frankenstein who rages against his fate.

I intended to bring it about to something about freedom… and though freedom is inherently tied up with death and is why the majority of the system is intent on distracting you from the fact that you are definitely going to die.

In a sense death is the true enemy, the enemy that lies behind all the others.

Not just our own death but those of people we love. The one universal phobia.

You discover it in the wound a loved one leaves despite what you want or do.

Until one dwells on this, until one accepts and in accepting defeats their death they will never cease from fighting shadows.