How I live my life now.

The way I live my life now isn’t so much to be better at stuff.

Sometimes I try and be happier or more confident. I’ve even got tricks that work to achieve that effect.

Seriously, no word of a lie now, no matter how down in the dumps I get; no matter how stuttery, anxious and unable to look you in the eye I get all I have to do to get out of that muddle is start meditating.

I just sit down for 20 minutes twice a day if I can or even once a day and within days – seriously I kid you not – it just starts fixing itself.

No effort.

I still get anxious and stressed and what have you but I can still look you in the eye.

I think I’m a naturally excitable chap and part of my problem is that I’ve stigmatized that and so taught myself that I’m a naughty boy if I lose my equanimity.

In a sense I’ve tricked myself into thinking that the manifestation of energy is a bad thing.

And meditation gets me out of that bind.

The funny thing is once I get to a sufficient state of Buddha feeling I often relapse.

I think this is natural.

I mean if I constantly maintained the Buddha state I would do so out of fear of the relapsed state.

So I just bounce from one to the other.

And the thing is each bounce doesn’t just seem a mundane back and forth. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with myself when I don’t do what I know I should and do what I know I shouldn’t.

Now I can hear gasps of shock in my imagined audience. But the strange thing is that as I have become more comfortable with the mess I am I have been able to maintain a competence within that mess that I couldn’t when I fought it.

The mess doesn’t change. I still stutter, feel anxious and what not but on another level I’m not there trying to fight it.

I think this is the bodisattva (I probably haven’t spelt that right but those who care about such trivial nonsense ain’t getting it and those that don’t don’t need to get it. Haha do you enjoy my dance? I do) phenomena.

I think everyone gets those flashes or times of satori, enlightenment or whatever and in them they have the choice whether or not to come back and they always come back because the only reason they wouldn’t is fear and satori and fear are kind of mutually exclusive.

Most people get them on the edge of sleep and wakefulness.

I don’t know if meditation and mindfulness would work for you. I just know they do for me. I hope they work for you. But you might be on a different path.

Maybe there is no hope for you. I simply don’t know. I just know what works for me and I feel so lucky it does.


The purpose-less ground of purpose

There is a sense in which people think nature is stupid.

They think a huge mistake was made when nature spawned man and that man is now going to turn around and destroy nature.

“Obviously” they say “nature doesn’t want that!”

But nature doesn’t mind what happens. All this stuff springs up and passes away. For no reason.

Sometimes reasons spring up. They have their day and when they are fulfilled puff they go like everything else.

Sometimes they don’t even get fulfilled they just get forgotten. It doesn’t matter; the same event happens to the fulfilled as well as the unfulfilled purpose eventually.

But nature, the tao, god or whatever sign you want doesn’t mind what happens.

What we’ve done when we say nature is stupid is separated a small part of nature from the rest and then attributed to it humanity.

We have made an image of a bit of nature we call earth and said it cares about going on as it is and it’s stupid because it has brought about it’s own destruction by giving birth to man.

But there are other planets.

There is the universe.

Really it’s an expression of our own fear for survival.

We want nature to be on our side. So we attribute to it our own interests.

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it’s your eyes He’s seeing through

As depeche mode put it.

We call nature stupid because it isn’t fulfilling the purposes we want it to have; because it has no purposes.

It’s just stuff happening.

You want to hear what you want to hear; you don’t hear what is.

I think the problem a lot of people have with getting what I have been talking about isn’t that it is inherently difficult to understand. It’s really quite simple.

There is nothing to be done for god and nothing to be done to gain unity with god because god needs nothing done for him and you already are united with him.

He’s god! Don’t you get it. If he needs stuff done for him then he isn’t god. It’s really that simple.

Now you don’t have to use the word god. It is just a word. Source, creation, what is, the ground of being and the structure and fabric of existence all do perfectly well for pointing to this.

He is neither good or bad but the context within which such dichotomies can exist.

Now the reason you have trouble getting this is because you want to be told what to do. It’s not enough for any old plonker to tell you; you need someone with authority to tell you what to do.

So you look for an authority and because if you look hard enough for something you’ll find it even if it isn’t there you find an authority. It could be an imam, god, Allah or Stephen fry.

You give them the authority because you choose to have them over you from the many people and things begging to tell you what to do.

So when I say “there’s nothing to be done” I’ve had people say “how am I supposed to live my life?”

I shrug my shoulders.

I’m no authority.

“Look mate” I tell them “I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know where to go. I’m in the same boat as you and I’m lazy so I don’t really want to have to come up with stuff for you to do… I have enough trouble coming up with stuff for me to do haha

“But here’s an idea. See that steak? It looks well tasty doesn’t it? Let’s go gobble it up.”

And we eat the steak and it’s lovely and that’s really all there is to it.

What we have done is we have cast the heavenlies in the light of our own society.

Now we have the poor doing the work for the rich.

The poor need to be worked for the rich don’t because they have it all.

In the same way we have got a theological system whereby us broken suffering finite beings are supposed to Labour for the absolute and perfect.

We’ve really put the cart before the horse.

The illusion

Every now and then god gets bored of being blissful so he plays these far out games where he pretends he isn’t him but poor little us who get hurt and die.

He’s so good that he fools himself absolutely.

I mean you don’t feel like god do you.

Neither do I.

But just as I can show you an illusion. Like say one of those illusions where some lines look like they are different sizes but are really the same size.

You can even know it’s an illusion and how it works. But still your eyes are fooled by it.

Just in the same way it can be shown that if there is a god then you are god because of what we say god is but we can never the less feel like we are seperate from everything.

That we are not god who is supposed to be the ground of being. The fabric and structure of existence.

That we are poor little mes who are the victims of circumstance.

I mean whatever is putting on this whole show is such a good actor that he’s got himself on the edge of his seat! He’s even got himself committing suicide even though he knows it’s a show.

Problems with the Phenomenological Rebuttal of Free-Will cont….

The other way it could be is that all that you call your actions, intentions, emotions and experiences are all the actions of a kind of performer. You are just watching the performer do its thing and this performer has tricked you into thinking you are it. Much like a good movie or theatre company can make the audience forget themselves for a bit.

This would account for why we don’t know what we are going to choose before we choose it; what we will think before we think it. It would account for the opaque nature of the black box out of which all our experiences (I include intentions and decisions within that category) come.

Though both these pictures could be the case I genuinely believe we are merely passive observers in our lifes.

We have become so caught up in the drama on the stage that we have forgotten that it isn’t us up there.

Just like a play has a beginning and an end; life has a beginning and an end. Maybe at the end we’ll get to take our masks off and discover we were the same entity playing or the parts.

Or we might just go into oblivion knowing nothing forever which ain’t that bad if you think about it.

There is no You!

So the other day I was talking about identity and how it isn’t a fixed thing. I think I was really talking about the ego, super-ego and id triad. The nature of which is protean.

The Id doesn’t always want the same thing. So the Ego has to constantly change its interactions with the super-ego. Out of this process arises the protean identity; which is the triads projection into the world.

The real you is just a passive awareness through which experience passes. You experience trees, roads, cars, shame, guilt, sadness, choices and so on. If you watch carefully you will see that there is no “I” experiencing any of this stuff; there is just the experience.

I’ve been suffering hiccups recently so I’ll use them as an analogy. A hiccup seems to pop up out of no-where. You don’t strive to hiccup it just happens. Watch your thoughts and you will see the same thing. You don’t strive to think a thought it just pops into your mind.

Watch your internal experiences and you will see they have the same character. Sure you may feel sad when someone dies. You see the death as the cause of the sadness; but there was no “you” there who acted as an agent to feel sad in response to death. It just happened.

In fact we are never aware of an “I” that is perceiving. Rather we just see stuff.

This “I” is an illusion created by language because language requires a subject to act upon an object.

Comparison between the individual session of meditation and the road one walks in the life of practice.

I’ve noticed similarities between the individual act/session of meditation (micro) and the way in which mindfulness – combined with meditation – effects me in my day to day life (macro).

So during a session of meditation I’ve found it goes through phases. When I first sit down, close my eyes and start paying attention to my anchor there’s a tug of war between activity and non-activity. There will be a sensation of boredom which manifests itself as a restlessness and inability to maintain contact with the anchor for extended periods of time. During this phase I have to have faith that the process – the method – will cause this to subside.

A similar thing occurs when one first begins to practice mindfulness. It seems a bit silly. The mind is so used to nattering on all the time, to trying to solve your problems. You’re so used to avoiding pain and seeking pleasure and a deep almost subconscious part of you believes that the mental activity you have engaged in in pursuit of contentment is the only way to that end. So you need to have faith in the method of mindfulness at first. You have to give it a go so to speak.

After an indefinite period of time in meditation you find that your mind calms down. A thought will pop up, you’ll be “hooked” by it into diverting your gaze and after a period you will realize you’ve been hooked and just pay attention to your anchor again. The time you spend paying attention to your anchor will increase the calmer you get. The longer you stay in this place the calmer you become. But I noticed that this period would last for a time and then the mind would start getting busier again. And it goes round in cycles.

The same with mindfulness. In my life there are periods of time – sometimes weeks sometimes days – where i’m in a constant state of peace. It’s almost as if i’m not doing anything; it’s all happening by itself. But then I’ll get interested in stuff again and as a result I become slower at realizing I’m not being mindful which makes me less peaceful.

Creating Part of a Possible Answer to “What is Consciousness?” that would Account for consciousness’ Inexplicableness Part 1

I’ve recently been trying to think of ways of looking at consciousness that would explain why it is – or could be – something that is inexplicable. That is a definition of consciousness that would explain why consciousness cannot be explained by talking about the interaction of many discrete parts.

First I will try and communicate a distinction I have realized between what is consciousness and what is not consciousness as seen from the subjective viewpoint. That is I have been looking at my own experience – performing a phenomological analysis if you will – to distinguish between what is consciousness and what is that which consciousness is aware of. I have found that such things as decision making, emotions, character (or rather the illusory sense we have of there being a continuous character called me), thoughts, basically all phenomena which we designate as internal is not what consciousness is.

This of course rests on a basic assumption. That assumption is: Something cannot be what it sees. That for you to be aware of something that something must be outside of you. I don’t know how to proove this assumption but it seems intuitively right to me.

I believe that all these things of which we are aware will – one day – be explained satisfactorily and to a level where we will be able to construct a AI that will simulate… in fact do all those things (such as creativity, decision making (what some people inanely call free-will) and basically everything that most people would say makes a person a person). I don’t believe the same will ever be true of consciousness.

Now given this belief I have been trying to create a definition or description of consciousness that would explain why we will never be able to explain how consciousness comes about.

Providence, Fate and Enlightenment

I think there is a divine plan to reality. This is a direct consequence of my belief in determinism. You cannot believe in determinism and not believe in fate.

As to providence – that is the belief that the divine plan is for our (or my) good – I do not know about that. Sometimes I look at experience, at the way it batters us with suffering at the way life is an oscillation of good and bad, happy and sad, and I see that it seems to be designed in such a way as to produce enlightenment. That the fundamental structure of experience leads us to let go, to surrender.

That maybe it’s not that the divine plan is for us to get what we want, or even to be happy. But that the divine plan is for our surrender. On a deep level the divine plan is for our deaths.

In Buddhism enlightenment is the cessation of suffering. Nirvana is the blowing out of the candle. It is a kind of death. A death that involves forsaking our desires, forsaking our vain attempts to control reality.

I’ve studied and been a member of a number of faiths/religions. Christianity and Buddhism being the two main ones. Christianity has the same theme if you will. It is about dying to yourself, forsaking your desires and surrendering to God. It is the same thing as Buddhism except Buddhists call God nothing.

Even Islam has the same kernel. Islam’s fundamental concept is submission. If you are a Muslim you submit your will to Allah.

What ever you submit your will to it all bears the same fruit. Almost all of what we call bad in the world is caused by people striving to attain their will. Striving to get reality to conform to what they want. It seems to me that reality is constituted in such a way that if you strive to get what you want you will inevitably reach dissatisfaction. You will be constantly confronted with a dead end until you forsake your desire and walk the path which is no path which is acceptance which is surrender, release.

Meditation, Enlightenment and Letting Go


There are many things that meditation is good for. Calming the mind, dis-empowering the internal dialogue, and allowing oneself to see matters clearly without the baggage of emotions. One of the most beneficial effects of meditation is the ability to let go. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that the practice of meditation is the practice of letting go.




So as we all know in meditation – at least the meditation I practice – all that is done is that the attention is placed onto an object and whenever it is realized that the attention has wandered it is brought back to the object.




So where is the letting go? I hear you ask. Well when your attention has wandered it always clings to something. The more distracted you are the more your mind is clinging to something. That is why it is easier to bring your attention back to the anchor if it has only wandered onto something relatively boring like trying to remember what you ate yesterday. When it has wandered to a more appetizing realm like sex, food or how miserable you are then it is harder to bring back.




Often you can tell how much your mind is clinging to something by how long it takes you to realize it has been distracted (though this can also be caused by being full or eating sugary foods I have found).




What you call “difficulty” is really nothing other than the battle that takes place within you between two wants. On the one hand you want to do the practice but on the other hand you want to continue fondling those imaginary boobies. By bringing your attention back to anchor you are letting go of that desire.




Enlightenment can be seen as the complete letting go of everything. This doesn’t mean that nothing happens or that you no longer exist. It just means that you are totally passive in the face of everything. Whatever arises is fine.




See I believe that enlightenment is incredibly easy to grasp on an intellectual level. It is the cessation of suffering. That sentence is no harder to comprehend than the sentence “Peas are green”. The difficulty comes when we try to envisage what it would “feel” like to be enlightened. This is because we always place ourselves as we are into that picture and if we are suffering then suffering is so seemingly intrinsic to us that we cannot imagine it away. A blind person could understand on an intellectual level the sentence about peas but they couldn’t know what it felt like to see green peas.




Suffering is caused by clinging which is another way of saying wanting. The fundamental thing we cling to is our wants. We always hold out for our desires no matter how miserable not having them makes us or how unlikely it is that we we will get what we want. Even when we do get what we want and are satisfied for a bit but eventually return to Dukkha (suffering) we still hold out for that one want that when satiated will satisfy.