The way I live my life now isn’t so much to be better at stuff.
Sometimes I try and be happier or more confident. I’ve even got tricks that work to achieve that effect.
Seriously, no word of a lie now, no matter how down in the dumps I get; no matter how stuttery, anxious and unable to look you in the eye I get all I have to do to get out of that muddle is start meditating.
I just sit down for 20 minutes twice a day if I can or even once a day and within days – seriously I kid you not – it just starts fixing itself.
I still get anxious and stressed and what have you but I can still look you in the eye.
I think I’m a naturally excitable chap and part of my problem is that I’ve stigmatized that and so taught myself that I’m a naughty boy if I lose my equanimity.
In a sense I’ve tricked myself into thinking that the manifestation of energy is a bad thing.
And meditation gets me out of that bind.
The funny thing is once I get to a sufficient state of Buddha feeling I often relapse.
I think this is natural.
I mean if I constantly maintained the Buddha state I would do so out of fear of the relapsed state.
So I just bounce from one to the other.
And the thing is each bounce doesn’t just seem a mundane back and forth. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with myself when I don’t do what I know I should and do what I know I shouldn’t.
Now I can hear gasps of shock in my imagined audience. But the strange thing is that as I have become more comfortable with the mess I am I have been able to maintain a competence within that mess that I couldn’t when I fought it.
The mess doesn’t change. I still stutter, feel anxious and what not but on another level I’m not there trying to fight it.
I think this is the bodisattva (I probably haven’t spelt that right but those who care about such trivial nonsense ain’t getting it and those that don’t don’t need to get it. Haha do you enjoy my dance? I do) phenomena.
I think everyone gets those flashes or times of satori, enlightenment or whatever and in them they have the choice whether or not to come back and they always come back because the only reason they wouldn’t is fear and satori and fear are kind of mutually exclusive.
Most people get them on the edge of sleep and wakefulness.
I don’t know if meditation and mindfulness would work for you. I just know they do for me. I hope they work for you. But you might be on a different path.
Maybe there is no hope for you. I simply don’t know. I just know what works for me and I feel so lucky it does.