Looking back on my life I can see that things that at the time were awful and full of suffering have given birth in me to something that I wouldn’t give up for anything. I would even go back and have it all the same way just to have what I have now.
The realization that I’ve been elaborating throughout all my blogs and that is most explicitly stated in my updated about section.
One of the key factors in this realization is a deep understanding of society. This understanding was generated by a compulsion to understand society. I wouldn’t have had that compulsion if it wasn’t for the fact that I was almost totally ostracised at school and bullied.
This ostracism combined with an intense desire to be liked and accepted made me look at what caused people to be accepted.
I remember looking at a kid who was popular walking home from school surrounded by all his adoring friends and asking myself “Why does he fit in?”. I noticed that he had a way of holding himself; upright, strong shoulders and head held high. So I thought it could all be body-language.
Of course here I am translating my memory of myself then into the language competency I have now but I remember taking note of those things.
Another factor in my growth was being a late developer. Due to this fact I was labelled as having learning difficulties early on in school. I didn’t learn to read till a late age and because of this I have a relatively vivid memory of being stupid.
It wasn’t until a couple of years after finishing school that I would say that I started having really vivid realizations the first of which I describe here.
One of the results of this is that I’ve failed pretty much totally at mainstream academia. This has resulted in a loneliness and an alienation but also in an independence of thought.
There are things I am uncertain of and I don’t mind admitting that but there are things that I understand through a kind of seeing (my thoughts on free-will and my love of phenomenology are a result of this). The things I know through this seeing are mine and there is no external authority required for them.
If I had been able to discipline myself into the straight-jacket of specialism that is the trap of modern academia I would have been pumped through a system that would have kept me within a psychology of dependence. The person with the PHD has done nothing but substitute the applaud and condemnation of mummy and daddy for that of the consensus of whatever discipline he is in.
They have not – by virtue of the PHD – come to stand on their own two feet intellectually; that glory is reserved for the autodidact.