Love and brain-washing

Often it seems to me that us humans in our society are like Fritz and Tommy in the trenches of WW1.

They didn’t want to die and they didn’t want to kill. It was all put upon them by the power structures that they were thrown into. At heart, in the place that matters Fritz and Tommy were the same; they played a game of football.

You can imagine Fritz in the trenches thinking “If only I could go over there and just talk to Tommy! Then all this hell would stop. I could go home and make children with Gurta.”

You can see Tommy saying the same thing but instead of Gurta there’s Betty.

At heart we all want to love and be loved. To stroke and be stroked. It’s the reason we speak to one another. The reason we go to work!

You think you work for money? What do you want money for?

A house? A car? What will you do in your house? Where will you go in your car?

At some point the reasons have to end. The journey has to reach its conclusion.

The power structures of our day have got us distracted by the means to the end. They have got us to forget about the end we are striving for with the means.

They have us fixated on acquiring wealth.

They have us fixated on getting a better hamster-wheel for us to run on and we’ve forgotten what we’re running for.

There is a scene in the 2nd season of Mr. Robot (the 11th episode) in which the FBI agent is in her bed and she says to her home operating system that she is lonely.

You get to follow her around as she does her job and she has a cold, capable exterior. She is the ivory tower. But alone, in her room wrapped up in her blanket she cries and says she’s lonely.

Why doesn’t she let people in?

She has been tricked by the narratives that are put out about love that it hurts and that you risk something for it.

You risk nothing for love because love is the only something that there is that you could risk. Everything else is just packaging.

Sure you’ll experience sensations if you get love and then lose love but this should tell you something very different from what the popular narrative about love and love-loss tells you.

It should tell you that you’ve found the true treasure the heat of which destroys the packaging.

Destroy hatred of others through self-knowledge.

If you truly understand people you will find it impossible to hate them.

The way to truly understand others is to truly understand yourself. The way you do this is by watching yourself and asking yourself “Why did I do that?”

You will inevitably construct a narrative. I did that because this happened and made me feel like this.

Ultimately, if you follow this process through, you will see that you keep repeating a certain reason “because I wanted to”.

Now why did I want that particular thing in that particular circumstance? It’s possible to want to do other things in the same situation because we are constantly shown other people wanting different things in the same situation. Even we ourselves when the same situation arises at another time often want something different.

So why, right now, do you want to continue reading this but at another time you may not?

You could say that at another time you’d have already read this so you wouldn’t be as interested. Now this is evading the issue but the power of this line of reasoning is that no matter what you respond it will ultimately display what I am trying to show.

So here you are saying that the reason you would continue reading now, when this is new to you, is because it is new to you. That is that it is the novelty of this text that causes you to continue reading. So why do you like novelty?

Essentially you are saying that the reason you are doing what you are doing is because of novelty.

Did you choose to like novelty? Was there ever a time when you neither liked or disliked novelty and you choose one reaction over the other? If so – and I seriously doubt this but never-the-less the truth of what I say can be shown through the unavoidability of my conclusion – why did you choose to like or not like novelty?

When you see that your choices spring from sources over which you have no control, about which you make no decision you have seen yourself deeply and therefore seen everyone else deeply. How can you hate something that can’t help itself? So what if it’s evil! Did it decide to be evil?

For the very same reason we don’t blame or hate handicapped people for being handicapped it’s equally stupid to hate anyone for anything.

Missed opportunity

I don’t know if it’s the heat but I am so hungry for love. Almost every woman I see sends flames through me. Distracting flames full of sensuous and non-sensuous daydreams.

Of me immolating myself upon the altar of cunt,

Us sat across from each other at a restaurant

Laughing as she burbs.

Many women inflame just the lust and I know this. Well I learnt this on the bus on the way back from work.

There was this girl sat at the front talking to a younger girl. She had a dizzying, white pallor to her skin.

A face that reminded me of Helen Bonham Carter in “Fight Club” or “Harry Potter”. She didn’t look at all like Helen Bonham Carter it’s just she had that “ness”, that ineffable quality that drew the character of the character behind Helen Bonham Carter’s face to my mind.

It was like here was something untameable, dangerous; something not of this world and because of all this glorious.

She was incredibly sexy but there was something above and beyond this.

She shone in the twitch of her eyebrow as she discoursed through expression to the pre-pubescent beside her. There was something real and alive about her.

I probably stared at her a bit too much… Or not. Alas I shall never know… or I might.

I pressed the bell at my stop which was her stop and as I walked down the bus-aisle she smiled at me.

Can you believe it? That’s the opening to conversation. If you want someone not to talk to you you disengage eye-contact and you definitely don’t smile at them with an open face beaming a light like the moon on a cold night!

But the butterflies got the better of me. I bypassed the opportunity and like the crustacean I am scuttled into my shell of agonizingly comfortable anonymity.

And walked before her with my mind in glare…

Oh woe is me and my stupidity! What was to be lost but what I didn’t have anyway? What was the risk but a red face that would disappear in the waves of temporality?

A Dream I had

I had a dream a couple days back now about love.

At the end of it I was in a shopping centre with a girl. She was helping me find things to woo another girl with but we fell in love.

We were outside and we were all over each other. It was incredibly fun. Someone comes along and says “You’ve got to have an ulterior motive to let her do this” and I replied “I just want to love and be loved”

I think that’s the basic deep down truth for everyone. We all want to love and be loved but we are brought up to be ashamed of this in some sense so we hide it. “The Wall” by Pink Floyd is a story about this process; of how trauma and shame cause us to construct a wall around ourselves. This wall is what constitutes the ugliness and brutality of life.

I reckon you could explain all evil by this conditioned shame and embarrassment concerning our basic deep down desire

The amazonian woman

I want a girl with fire

In her eyes

who dances with chaos

the Amazonian woman

who strides beside her man

at the front of the serried ranks

into battle with the world

I don’t want a bitch on a leash

who cares about her teeth

I want fire and life and glory and freedom

I want to pour myself into her foamy torrents

as she pours herself into mine.

I want to watch her

as she goes about her day

with a pride in my chest

that she chose a wretch like me

I don’t want to be the man

And I don’t want her to be the woman

I want the roles to be fluid

dynamic

a constant effervescence

a spinning ying/yang of a relationship.

I want to dominate

and be dominated

I don’t want to be fixed

into a corner of a sexy dialectic.

Easy

I lived my life
Trying to control
But really

 
it wasn’t easy;
I struggled and strived
denied myself my…
Self. Tried to be…
someone else.

 
I didn’t know it
but the truth is
that laziness
is the way to
the truest self
expression.

 
The easiest path
is the easiest path
because
you want to walk it.

 
Everywhere
people strive
to be what they are not.

 
They live a lie of strife
a life of effort
for no reward.
No-one claps
there is no applause
and if there was
so what?

 
what can I do with applause?

 
This need we have
to convince people
to proove ourselves right
is nothing but a
struggle to hand over
our freedom to
come under
dominion.

 
See when you see
that seeing is a slow
slow journey to
clarity,

 
That
All people walk it
few of them know it
and eventually
everyone knows this.

 
If only for the moment
when your grandma dies
and leaves a wound and
you know, you
really know that
what matters doesn’t matter
that these standards
don’t matter!

 
That mattering can
smatter itself
scatologically
across the cistern.

 
That what “matters”
has placed a barrier
between me and you
between me and my family
because I fail
I try and I fail
To live up to the
Standard.

 
I feel guilt
that I’m not
what they admire
what they respect.

 
And this guilt
with downcast eyes
and stammering lips
weaves a disguise
before our very eyes
that hides from us both
the ones we want to know.

 
Not secretly
but openly
a family is fed upon
by a guilt
that restrains the lips
from uttering trivialities
and we watch
powerlessly
as our loved ones
disappear into
anonymity.

 
But death comes
and it shows us
through the tears
in the heart of the wound
that nothing matters
like we think it matters.

 
That my flaws are
just excuses for conversation
just things to say, admit
not to hide and justify.

 
That by being me
unabashedly
without restraint
is the way into the bosom of my family
because we’re all of one stock,
one blood, one lineage
let us compare notes
not give advice.

 
Let us come together
find what we have in common
uncover the stutters
and how we have dealt with them;
The social dis-ease
the low self-esteem
that doesn’t go
however we seem.

 
For me personally
it surrounds woman.
I hanker
for the female
anchor.

 
The feisty female
who
unbidden
solicits my advances;
but I stay back
because
In my eyes
I’m despised.

 
How could a woman
with hips and thighs
ever want to stare into these eyes?

 
I know,
I know,
I could wear a disguise
of adidas
and live a life
of work and strife
but that would
lead to a ball and chain
not a woman who’s mine
and who wants me.

 
Me!
Not some fiction
I create just to get
a whiff of fanny.

Woes of Love 9

You really are incredibly beautiful.

I so want you.

They say love conquers all.

I hope that is true.

I so hope that is true!

I want to kiss your lips again.

I want to kiss your front bum again.

I want to talk to you

Whilst holding you in my arms

And looking you in the eyes.

I want to talk to you whilst we fondle each other.

Ah that is bliss!

Your hand gently stroking my penis.

My hand gently playing with your clitoris;

Whilst we stare into each others eyes

And say whatever comes to mind.

It feels like we become one being.

Two neuronal networks connected

Firing across to each other across the synaptic gap.

I want that.

I want that.

I WANT THAT!

Revised Thoughts on Love

Love is not an emotion.

Infatuation is an emotion.

Infatuation is the commonest means through which love arrives.

If love were an emotion; that is to say that if love is a particular emotional state, then it is conditional.

For the emotional state to occur certain conditions need to be met.

This means that the other has to behave in a certain way in order to produce this emotional state.

The other cannot be themselves; they must wear a mask to maintain the emotional state in the one they want.

It is because people have confused love with infatuation that controlling and abusive relationships occur.

So what is love?

Love is acceptance.

After a while infatuation will diminish; or it may be like a sine-wave. Sometimes strong, sometimes weak.

Once this occurs there are 4 paths open to the couple:

      1. Control

They will each attempt to force the other into replicating the behaviour that produced the emotional state of infatuation.

      1. Possession

They will believe they love the other; often believing love to be some form of possession, and will try to keep them as a possession.

      1. Separation

They will part ways and seek infatuation in others; going from partner to partner until they die or realize path 4.

      1. Acceptance

They come out of infatuation and notice things about the other that bug them; but they realize that nobody is perfect. So they accept the imperfections.

Love is acceptance of the whole person; warts and all. I believe eventually they will come to adore the imperfections of the other if the other is one of their ones.

Love is a choice. 

Of course sometimes the imperfections of the other can be too unbearable; to accept their imperfections you would have to part with something vital to yourself.

This just means they are not one of your ones.

Woes of Love 8

I miss you!

I need consoling!

I sense a difference in the way you’re writing to me today.

I have that sinking feeling in my stomach.

I’m probably just being a silly billy; but I do so love you that the monsters pick up on the slightest thing and start whispering.

“She don’t like you no more!” they say.

“You’re boring!” They say

“She’s slowly withdrawing herself so as not to hurt your feelings” they say

“It’s not surprising really is it? I mean look at you! You’ve got no money, a shitty job, your windows were grimy when she came round. You should have cleaned your windows! And you told her those things you fucking idiot.” they say getting louder and louder.

“And now she’s being cold with you. Giving you the cold shoulder she is. Ha ha ha. You knew this was coming! You knew she was too good for you and she’d realize it. To be frank I’m surprised it lasted this long.” They say leering at me.

[All worries were allayed :D]

Woes of Love 7

I couldn’t sleep last night because I slept for a few hours from 7 until 9 in the evening.

So I had that long period where the monsters are strongest and they whisper in your ear; it’s dark so it’s harder to ignore them and make them go away.

They’ve all grown out of a fear of losing you and the more I’ve fallen for you the stronger they have become.

What I experienced last weekend was something I had never experienced before! That level of love, openness and acceptance.

I don’t want to lose that and the monsters feed off that.

Again I was behaving terribly.

If I’m honest part of the motivation behind me allowing the monsters to express themselves through me to you was to emotionally manipulate you into sorting out the situation quicker.

That wasn’t the motivation I was conscious of at the time though. I was consciously just trying to open myself up to you, I was trying to share my experience and I was seeking solace.

Love you