The language of modern love

The christmas tree shines its desperate appeal to togetherness
But behind it shines the glare of todays alonenes

we hide behind these symbols

a barricade against the empty glaciers of life as it is.

There is no security and our search for the secure loses for us the very thing we’re seeking to secure.

Two people barricaded behind the walls they’ve secured to protect themselves against that which they seek.

Two seperate languages spoken in silence a silence un broachable an isolatiotion unspeakable.

Even when spoken it lies un interpretabable.

A frozen heart unthawable that shatters with heat. The german and english desperate to not shoot but the only language available are brazen jacket shells that tear and distort.

A constant distortion of love pleas twisted into knife stabs and wounds.

 

We shatter ourselves on ourselves left with our torn selves and empty wrapping paper.

A broken promise, a dead butterfly and a crushed crysalis

If only we could speak the speech of broken hearts and pusy cysts.

Live an ugly life of this and this

Forsake the shoulds and oughts give a fuck you to the massed prescriptions but no all that’s left is a grotty cyst that  hides the promise of what could of behind the supercilious should of.

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“You’re a Bitch!” aka “You won’t have Sex and be in a Relationship with me!” aka “You’re not obeying me!”

One time I was rejected by a girl.

Well it wasn’t the only time I had ever been rejected. You’d need to be a creature with loads of fingers to be able to count on your hands the times I’ve been rejected and dumped.

Anyway she gave that normal “It’s not you it’s me” line. She also said things like “I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and so on.

You know all the things someone says when they don’t want to say why they really rejected you.

The reason she rejected me was because I wasn’t her type; our ways of living and values didn’t match up; and maybe she didn’t find me sexually attractive (but that’s obviously not true because my grandma says I’m handsome).

Now why all the evasions?

One obvious (and probably the main) reason is that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings; which is a laudable reason. But that isn’t the only reason.

Wait there; we need a bit more context.

We had gone on a date of sorts. We had kissed and fondled a bit.

In my eyes this behaviour (including actual intercourse) is done in order to test compatibility; to see if I was her type. Given this it’s perfectly fine to call it quits if you don’t think you and the other are compatible.

The problem is that some people label this behaviour “leading someone on” and this (especially when attached to women) is considered by those people as “sluttish” behaviour.

Of course it hurts when someone you find sexually attractive and want to be compatible with rejects you; but they haven’t done anything wrong by rejecting you!

If they have then I’ve done something wrong whenever I leave the Brussels-sprouts on the plate!

To get to the point.

We had an amicable and open conversation on Facebook after the rejection where I managed to get her to own up to the fact that she just didn’t like me in that way.

I didn’t do it in a nasty or forceful way. I said things like “You do know it’s fine to not like someone in that way?” and “You do know you’re not obliged to be with someone just because you kissed them?”

I talked to her about this because I was curious about why someone would use such evasions and eventually I got her to admit “It’s because I don’t want to seem like a bitch.”

This made me realize something!

When people insult people seriously it is because that person has failed to do what the person doing the insulting wanted them to do. It’s basically a masked way of saying “You’re not obeying me”.

I can see where the urge to call a woman who rejects you a bitch comes from; it’s a desperate ploy to get sex or a relationship. Also it comes from the pain of rejection; it’s a vent.

The silliness of using such tactics and being offended by them is easily seen because a bitch is a female dog and a human is a human.

Also you are trying to accuse someone of being promiscuous for not acting promiscuously!

Ha ha people are silly robots sometimes!

The irrational cause of suffering in love

Have you ever noticed how irrational people are in their everyday social interactions.

Most domestic arguments are merely two people disagreeing about something and refusing to accept each other’s disagreement. Thus they spend hours head-butting the wall that the other’s disagreement presents. They will persist in trying to make the other believe what they believe and do what they want them to do.

This type of behaviour is often characterized by circularity. That is they just repeat over and over their reasons for believing or not believing a thing. They say and do the exact same thing again and again.

Now this mode of thought – or behaviour – is incredibly different to the mode of thought that people use to fix things.

This mind-set is typified by a calm observation of the problem and a multiplicity of different actions. They experiment with different actions until the problem is solved or they realize the problem is insoluble.

Why don’t people use the same methods in social interactions as they use when they try to fix things?

Try various ways of changing someone if you wish; but don’t just say and do the same things over and over which seems to be the default setting for most people.

Einstein (I think; though I am unsure. But it doesn’t really matter who said it because it’s just a good quote) said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results.” According to this definition pretty much everyone is insane.

In a Slump

In a Slump.

 

I’m in a similar position. There’s only so many knock-backs you can take before you start to think “Am I an alien? Am I on the right planet, amongst the right people, am I right!”

And what the bleep does right mean anyway” what is it that makes two people click? It certainly isn’t shared interests because loads of couples happily get along without sharing interests. I mean stereotypical man is a sports loving meat-head who hates the dainty womany things woman love.

It’s not even love I think! Have you seen the arguments some of these “Lovers” have. Admittedly they do seem to have great sex after it…

Maybe that’s all it is. Sexual chemistry. But our society has placed a taboo on giving each a go before you’ve matched on all the levels that don’t seem to actually effect whether or not your going to be compatible.

All the successful couples I know of began fucking and then got to know each other. There’s nothing wrong with that but this thick-headed, stubborn society will insist on using promiscuity as a derogatory remark when directed towards the female sex!

Fucking society

The disabled and our reaction to them – plus a tangential bit on bullying

There’s a woman who works at a shop I go to sometimes; She has a disfigured face.

 

A lump protrudes above her eye-ball and there is scarring down her cheeks.

 

She’s also small; almost a midget.

 

I don’t really look at her because I worry that by doing so I will offend her.

 

I do this despite knowing that by not looking at her I am labelling her as something not to be looked at.

 

That I am depriving her of the fundamental human necessity of being recognized as a fellow human being; the most basic form of which is eye contact and a look in the face.

 

It’s just to make eye-contact; or to even look at her face, feels like taking a dive off a cliff.

 

Not because she is ugly but because I am worried that it’s not socially appropriate to stare at deformed people.

 

Plus I don’t really know when a normal “looking at” becomes a “staring”.

 

She must be constantly reminded of her face in the eyes of others.

 

Downcast like mine or staring like someone braver.

 

It must be an inescapable fact of her life.

 

In the morning she must look in the mirror and think “I am ugly” on a verbal or non-verbal level.

 

Was she born like it?

 

The first gift from God, right after life begins: ugliness.

 

Growing up, going through school and puberty knowing that you are not attractive.

 

Looking at everyone else and marking yourself as inferior.

 

Children can be beastly.

 

I don’t mean  that in the Edwardian aristocratic sense: “Oh, you are beastly.”

 

I mean it in the sense that children can be cruel.

 

They will happily spend hours methodically dismembering one beetle after another; without feeling any sympathy or remorse.

 

Children would physically dismember each other if only they had the strength.

 

Instead they do it psychologically.

 

They mentally dismember the object of their cruelty; when that object is another human child.

 

Like piranhas swarming round a thrashing monkey they bite and they bite; until the monkey’s form is revealed in it’s skeletal decrepitude.

 

You will never gain mercy from a child.

 

I think it’s because they have this belief; somewhere deep down and hidden from the lens of language.

 

A belief that they are the centre of the universe.

 

Maybe even that they are the only person that really is.

 

The only Being in a Being-less world.

 

That everything and everyone is a mere fiction created for their pleasure or pain; depending on what context the child is in.

 

I know this from experience.

 

And sadly I don’t have the solace gained from the moral high-ground; I was bullied and I bullied.

 

I revelled in the cruelty endemic to youth.

 

I can’t hide behind the fact that I was just trying to fit in.

 

It’s that very drive that causes the bullying in the first place.

 

It’s like saying I’m not responsible for the bath over-flowing I just turned the tap.

 

 

 

(I’m going to have to re-hash my opinions on free-will; it’s not that I believe we have free-will. It’s just that I don’t think free-will or determinism are appropriate terms for human actions)

 

Pitfalls In Dating

The problem with the dating game is one of maintaining identity.

 

Sure from a high enough vantage point there is no such thing as an identity that needs to be maintained. The problem with such a view though is that from such a height dating isn’t something that one would engage in. Or at least seek out.

 

So in the normal, run-of-the-mill, place where dating happens we have an identity. This identity is made up of our likes and dislikes, the kinds of words that we use, what we find funny and what we find taboo. Idealistically speaking the aim of the dating game is to find someone who’s identity you like and who likes your identity. In this game our rational mind is quite useless.

 

The trap the game presents is one of false-identities. It is incredibly difficult to maintain your identity in the face of an attractive member of the opposite sex who seems to not like that identity. A battle of wills occurs within one. There is the side – which often has the mind on it (at least in my case it does) – that says “This person is obviously not right for you.” But the other side – which is as powerful if not more so – says “But you like her!” Of course the like here is lust… You may conflate it with something else but it you’re honest with yourself what you want is to have sex with that person lots of times and in order to fulfill this desire you’re tempted to forsake your own identity.

The other side of this is that there are many people who are ashamed of themselves and so they habitually wear a false identity. In both these cases that identity cannot be maintained. Not even for short spans of time can it last without fractures. This is probably why Love has often been associated with torment. In a sense love has been conflated with a falseness in modern-society. Just look at the coquette ideal – that is someone who pretends not to like someone in order to get them to pursue.

Dating sites

So I’ve only gone and put myself on a dating website! What am I like hey Tuts at self in jest as expressed through the mock rolling of the eye-balls.

It’s actually a wonderfully opportunity to examine the shyness and self-consciousness that arises in homo sapiens by watching my own internal environment as I agonize over personal statements and messages to potential mates.

One of the things I keep telling myself as I write stuff on there is “Just be me. You’re not trying to attract someone… Well you are but for god’s sake don’t let yourself know that because that’s when… You’ve only gone and done it haven’t you… Now write that back up.. go on that bit you just deleted because you thought that pretty ladies wouldn’t like it… actually no on second thoughts just leave it but from now on no deleting!!! Remember you’re trying to attract the women to you and some fictional idealized version of you!”

But it’s hard. I mean how do you start a conversation? Also when people reply in mono-syllables does that mean they’re not interested or just shy? I don’t want to hassle people but I don’t want potentials to fall through the net. I think as long as I fuck off when told I should be fine…

The site I signed up to has a funny name: POF.com or plenty of fish. Ha objectification or what! But the good kind I suppose because it’s objectifying men and women equally…