A response to a response from a street preacher

In a sense I’m being a spoil sport.

A bit like a person who runs out on the football pitch and screams at everyone

“It’s just a game!”

You know very well what game you’re playing.

You don’t need me to tell you.

But it is fun to put on that voice.

You enjoy it too.

It’s why you preach in the streets.

You enjoy it.

But that’s not enough is it? We need to pretend we’re being serious.

But it’s just a game because God’s in charge.

If you could get that you’d see there’s nothing for anyone to do.

But we want to be the hero don’t we. The star in our own movie.

So we cling to these fictions like hell and that because they make the game serious.

But you know deep down it’s bunk because God’s in charge and he loves us.

He does the good and the bad.

All things are from, through and to him.

You do know all things includes the evil.

But of course we can’t admit that because it means we couldn’t play the game anymore.

It’s a funny old thing.

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Oh, you special SOB please don’t be special to me.

Nobody really wants to be special. At least not in the sense they think they do.

What is special?

It’s one of those words that doesn’t really mean anything.

To be different?

Well why not just say “different”?

To be different in a good way is what I suppose you mean by it.

Really what you mean is that you want people to enjoy you.

When you look at concrete cases that’s what people do when they try to be special.

“Look mummy look what I can do!”

The child isn’t trying to rub it’s parents face in the ability it has.

It’s really quite an innocent and pure thing.

The child wants to be enjoyed by mummy.

It shows something beautiful about us.

We want each other to experience enjoyment or pleasure in us.

We want to cause nice feelings in others.

This is the pure seed at the heart of pretty much all human endeavour.

But then it gets twisted by words like special.

Due to the fact that special mixes this desire to cause pleasure in others with the idea of being different people do all sorts of atrocious things just to be special.

This is behind a lot of serial killers. You know the cliche: a serial killer wants to get caught.

Why? Because he wants to be special.

And you can’t be special if nobody knows you’re special.

Even here though ultimately it results in the pleasure of others.

Do you think anyone really suffers over the crimes of Jack the ripper anymore?

Come off it. Of course they don’t.

But how many people enjoy that narrative, go to London specifically to do the Jack the ripper tour?

It’s a wonderful way to experience a vicarious thrill.

See all the nastiness is gone and we’re left with excitement and interest.

The same is true of ww2 and the holocaust.

That was awful. But nobody suffers from it anymore.

That feeling of horror and revulsion is a thrill.

It’s not the feeling of starvation and suffering.

That’s always temporary.

Again why did hitler do that?

Because he wanted to maintain or create the specialness of blonde bimbos.

Isn’t This wonderful.

I meant to moralize about how perverse special is.

And it is. This nothing tagged by a word causes all sorts of suffering unintentionally.

It’s fun to be enjoyed by other people and it’s fun to enjoy other people.

If we kept it like that we could navigate the course of our desires with much less suffering.

But don’t worry.

No matter how bad you think you are, no matter how much suffering you cause it will all be all right in the end.

It all comes out in the wash eventually.

Stressy Betty

I find work makes a fool of me.

I know how stupid it is to worry and be stressed.

By stupid I mean it does nothing.

You might as well bang your head against a wall to cure a headache.

But no matter how well I think I know this I still do it!

I’m constantly fretting about doing something wrong at work.

This fretting or lack of confidence is the very thing that makes the work so… well so worklike.

If I could only stop this it would be a pleasant stroll in the park.

But despite this I still fail.

I suppose this is where faith comes in.

My sight tells me I’m messing up but faith tells me I’m not.

Thankfully the faith is constantly being proven right.

But still I worry and fret.

Just shows who’s in control.

Or rather who isn’t

I’m not in control and You know What?

I’m happy about that.

I know what I should do but I don’t do it!

We know what we should do but we don’t do it it.

By should I don’t mean a moralistic should. I don’t mean a social norm.

I don’t mean by this that we know we should help the little old lady cross the road but don’t.

Sure there are some who feel that should. It can be a should.

What I mean is we know what we should do to be more content.

Or at least we think we do and that’s all I need for my point.

For instance personally I know I should practice mindfulness and meditation in the sense that eckhart tolle teaches it.

Not because I want to gain a special insight or to get enlightened but simply because I know it makes life incredibly pleasant for me.

I don’t know if it would for you. I would certainly suggest anyone give it a go.

But I do know from past experience that it propels me into a state of almost constant, peaceful ecstasy.

A bit like drugs except you have all the pros of sobriety and all the pros of inebriation. It really is quite fantastic.

So saying this why don’t I practice it?

Why am I not doing it Now?

To get at my reason maybe I could come at it unawares so to speak.

There may be some among you who if I said “You should try meditation” would look at me, see that I don’t practice (Well always) what I preach and decide on that basis to not bother.

You could be very unhappy and want to he happy.

Now then even if I don’t practise what I preach why should you not try it?

I mean it might work and the cost if it doesn’t is a couple of minutes out of your day.

Really you use the fact that I don’t practice what I preach as an excuse for you not to bother and the reason you use it as an excuse is the exact same reason why I don’t practice what I preach.

We’re lazy. We say we want something yet we do not do the very things that will or might bring us that thing.

In a sense this is a kind of ground.

When asked why we are like this we are left with nothing else to say but other ways of saying the same thing.

I don’t do what I know I should because I am lazy; laziness is just another way of saying you don’t do what you know you should.

There’s only one answer and it’s really quite simple.

How do we stop not doing what we know we should?

Just do it silly.

Why don’t we do it?

Because we don’t haha.

It’s incredibly simple.

To avoid this. To avoid getting what we want we come up with all sorts of crazy schemes. The craziest of all is this blame game!

Mummy issues

When I was younger I used to have a go at my parents for how they brought me up.

I would criticize them for not making me fit in more.

I think this is a common thing with us humans.

It takes many guises but all the forms it takes share a common theme. You are blaming someone for you.

You are saying that because your parents did this you’re a fuck up.

That because you didn’t have parents you’re a fuck up.

That because this person did this horrible thing you are a fuck up.

So you have a go at these people or parents. You’re angry at them.

But say you get what you think you want.

You have a go at them and they cry. They get down on their knees and say “sorry”.

What good is that to You? You’re still a fuck up right?

All of us can do some things and can’t do other things. Every one of us knows what we should do and to varying degrees don’t do it.

This is universal and this is why you think you’re a fuck up.

Everyone reacts to stimuli differently. A thing a parent does to one child that makes them happy could traumatize another.

Human interaction is a game of roulette.

All that we are doing when we blame other people for ourselves is avoiding the issue.

You don’t like yourself. That is the problem. You think you are a badly made human being.

Even if this is true what good is an apology? After all it would just be someone else agreeing with your self loathing. “I’m sorry I fucked you up.” Is just “You’re a fuck up” wearing a smiling mask.

Why do you think you’re a fuck up?

According to whom?

Where did you get your standards from? Do you even know?

Don’t you see that as long as you operate within this framework you will never stop hating yourself?

That even if you manage to be who you think you should be there will be that little voice at the back of your head that says “You’re a fake.”

In response to “what’s the point to anything if we are all gonna die? Why not just die now?”

If life is no fun… ever… And you know this and you’ve tested this then kill yourself.

But why not wait for a bit? Why the rush?

So you’ve decided to kill yourself… You’re actually going to do it….

Stop for a bit and look around.

Is there anything you want to do but haven’t because you’re too scared.

Why not do it now?

Rob that bank, fuck that horny granny, tell a random beautiful or ugly person they’re beautiful or ugly.

What’s stopping you from doing It? What’s scaring you?

Your gonna die right? And You’re gonna die when you choose?

What threat can possibly exist against you?

Don’t you see you are god?

What if you were God

Let us play a game.

A game of pretend.

Only at the end of the game if you win you’ll realize that it wasn’t a game.

That really what you thought wasn’t a game was a game.

So to begin I want you to close your eyes. Well I don’t because you won’t be able to read what I write if you do.

But anyway pretend to close your eyes.

Now I want you to imagine what it would be like to be God with a big G.

You can do whatever you want, you know everything and you are everywhere.

Question: what are you going to do?

Well come on. What would you do if you won the lottery so to speak?

Imagine the questions that would bug you in this state.

What is the point? What am I to do?

It’s all well and good being poor you know. These questions don’t really come up.

What is the point? To get rich of course; or at least make it so I don’t have to worry about food and shelter anymore.

What am I to do? Another easy one: try to get rich, build a hut or whatever.

It’s all very well being in a state of need. The need sorts those questions out for you.

But now I’m asking you what do you do when there is no need? After you’ve got that house and you’re rich and you have slaves to do everything for you. What do you do?

In a sense owning slaves is a lot like the power we ascribe to god. I speak “give me steak!” And voila my employee brings me steak.

God speaks “Let there be light” and voila there is light.

The only difference is that the universe in this way of thinking is God’s slave.

Well what would you do if you were God?

I’m not really looking for an answer to the question. It would be different for everybody anyway.

But that this question seems the most appropriate question one would ask oneself if one were God is interesting.

Why? Because it’s what we ask ourselves all the time.

That is to say that the most fundamental question man can ask “What am I to do?” Is the only question it makes any sense for God to ask also.

“Well I am. I want to be. Obviously I want to be otherwise I wouldn’t be. I’m god after all I can not be if I didn’t want to be. What on earth am I supposed to do?” Says god.

“Well here I am. I’m alive. Obviously I want to be alive because it’s easy to not be alive. I just chuck myself under a bus. But what the hell am I do with myself” says man.

Everyone reaches this state. Once you’ve put the time in at work to feed and clothe yourself you get home. You can do stuff but all the stuff you need to do has been done.

What are you to do?

Deadly musing

To the caged bird the uncaged bird is a scary thing.
It’s like people haven’t got the fundamental fact.
We’re all gonna die. Everyone of us. 
Now this can be good or bad. If you’re lucky enough to have had your face smacked by the love reality than you don’t know what it is but you know what’s doing it so you’re cool with whatever the answer to the death question is.
If you’re not lucky enough to have that (and I’m sorry but it’s pure luck no merit. I’m sure there’s a part in the gospel of John where Jesus elucidated this. His disciples are. Arguing and he’s like “why are you arguing don’t you know it’s the father that chooses. What’s the point in these frivolous words” or something like that) then you don’t know.
But either way you are definitely gonna die.
This hell is just indigestible nonsense. What would you say about me if I said to you “come to my party or I’ll kill you”?
You’d think I was a twat and you’d be right.
So we’re all gonna die.
Say if you advise someone wrong. Well their gonna live their lives with it’s ups and downs then – guess what? – they’re gonna die.
Same with the good advice.
Follow this. I mean really follow the white rabbit. Hitler. Really bad. I wouldn’t have done what he did. But guess what? What was the effect of his actions? 
You got it people did what they would have done anyway. They died.
A villain in Sherlock said in response to Dr Watson’s “but you made people die” “THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO”
Am I saying that you should go out and kill people. No but I’m not not saying that.
What I’m getting at is this. 
Who the fuck are you really? I mean let’s get beyond all the consequences and legalistic bullshit. Who are you when no one’s looking?
Remember ultimately it don’t matter what you do. God’s will is being done.
So let’s get to reality here. What are you protecting me from? What’s the worst that can happen to us?
People die that’s what they do why throw up hazard signs?

But you do it!

There’s this idea that has sway over the majority. It is that someone has to practice what they preach. That if you don’t do for yourself what you believe to be the solution for your problem then you have no right advising another with the same problem to do the very thing you do not do.

The problem with man is not that he doesn’t know what to do it is that he doesn’t do it.

This almost unspoken rule is the very rule that causes people to become disingenuous. We all want to be heard, to feel that what we say carries some weight and because people habitually almost instinctively judge the truth value of what we say by how we live our lives we whitewash our lives before others just so we can participate in communication.

We argue constantly trying to justify ourselves. To make ourselves at least appear to do the right thing. To never be wrong in word or action.

This sets up a strange little feed back loop. Instead of looking at a thing and saying what we think we now try to conform our behaviour to what we say. Often when the two (What we do and what we say) are out of step we change the words to fit the actions. 

It would be better and less pathological (in the sense that a pathology causes pain and disruption) if we recognized the fact that we act from a different place than we speak from. That a drug addict with a heroin syringe in his arm can say truthfully “you shouldn’t do this; it’s bad” with the exact same weight as a Tory. 

There is a difference between walking the path and speaking the path. This is true. But the words are the same for both.

All because a thief says it is wrong to steal doesn’t mean it is right. 

The truth is the truth whoever says it.

Stuff on talking and people

We’re all jigsaw puzzle pieces the best way is to bare our jagged edges. More often than not they’re only jagged in our heads.

I think the most basic truth about humans of all is that we just want to love and be loved.

This is behind the need to be understood.

I think the best kind of conversation and declaration is one in which the concern for truth is involved but it’s not centre stage. More a mutual comparing of notes on our subjective experiences than a mutual destruction of interpretations.

There is a space above truth and falsehood in which both coexist. Both true and false statements can be comprehended. Often we just use truth and falsehood as walls that let in some and exclude others.