What is this word that sticks in my throat? “Dignity!”
But what the fuck is dignity? Is it just the proud pose someone strikes; maybe on the prow of a ship or when one is president of the united states?
What is it?
Satisfaction that I have done what I set out to do?
Well we call that achievement; but fuck-it the parents aren’t home so you can have that for your semantic cauldron.
“Ah but isn’t dignity also the ability to hold your head high?” surely you don’t mean physically so I’m going with the obvious and assuming you’re talking figuratively.
“To hold your head high!” what a term! What a rabble-rousing and admirable project to have in one’s life.
To have it said of you that you could have walked anywhere without reason to avert your gaze from anyone; you can just gaze calmly on from the fortress of sublime obedience.
So you can stand proud before who?
Your family? Society?….
I won’t say friends because if you’ve found the right lot you won’t really care about dignity in the world your lot constructs on the foetid ruins of the world left behind by you entrapment… I mean up-bringing.
Again before who?
That’s an idle pursuit!
The attachment you have to your family is a manifestation of the attachment you have to yourself. It is entirely constituted by a compound of care and concern that neurotically subsumes other human beings under the self.
They will never be happy with you because if they were happy with you what excuse could they use to love you – or express it anyway?
Well society can just go and fuck its capricious self with something big, spiky and corrosive. 1 minute this is the appropriate attire the next it’s this; always changing its mind!
Well he choose to make you so the only person who should feel any worry about how they are perceived and judged is not you!
You’re just a piece of art and do you think David with his marbelous willy spends much time worrying about how people see him?
What so after all that time; after all that time you spent trying to fit in so you could be dignified and you now stand proud and tall amongst your fellow man, it turns out you were the boss the whole time!
Well cook me a duck-billed platypus and call me tonsured if that doesn’t just take the fecking piss out of all of us!
All this trite that people say… these meaningless sentiments that repeat from mouth to mouth like some virulent form of dementia.
For example “Don’t be afraid of dying be afraid of never having lived”!
What’s there to be afraid of?
Oh and notice how people use this to denigrate people who don’t “live” in the way they do. It’s the ever present mystery of individual preference – “how can you not like chocolate!” – given a moral stab – “Eurgh you don’t like chocolate!”
And anyway what’s the difference between laying on your death-bed shitting in a colostomy bag and gazing avariciously at all the gold you’ve managed to hoard and gloating over the moments in which you “lived”.
Dignity!? It’s just an analogue of pride – or maybe an expression.
Fuck dignity for there is no reason for me to be dignified; and just what is it exactly?
It’s like all those slippery words and turns of phrase the powers that be use to keep our nascent powers from blossoming.
It’s so ambiguous and slippery that you can quite easily use it as criteria for calling someone “undignified” in almost any situation.
Chuck it in the bin!
You know I see so clearly with the eye that verbalizes; the eye that watches the behaviour of others; that this is so.
That it is utterly absurd and unwarranted to stand in shame before anyone…
but the experience that is attached to dignity….
or rather the experience attached to what we call “undignified” haunts me!
So what do I do?
Me fully wide-eyed awake and aware whilst doing so do?
I stutter and I slur!
I cower before the other,
the very other who’s
behaviour I have
(in their eyes)
just slurred with my causal analysis
(Unintentionally of course
But what can I do
ask a slug for forgiveness
After mistakenly treading on it
(I jokingly slur)
And see how far that gets you!
There’s a communication problem!
All this whilst knowing that if someone insults you and you are stung then the least of your problems is that someone’s insulted you!
“Eyes wide shut” Erikson