How I live my life now.

The way I live my life now isn’t so much to be better at stuff.

Sometimes I try and be happier or more confident. I’ve even got tricks that work to achieve that effect.

Seriously, no word of a lie now, no matter how down in the dumps I get; no matter how stuttery, anxious and unable to look you in the eye I get all I have to do to get out of that muddle is start meditating.

I just sit down for 20 minutes twice a day if I can or even once a day and within days – seriously I kid you not – it just starts fixing itself.

No effort.

I still get anxious and stressed and what have you but I can still look you in the eye.

I think I’m a naturally excitable chap and part of my problem is that I’ve stigmatized that and so taught myself that I’m a naughty boy if I lose my equanimity.

In a sense I’ve tricked myself into thinking that the manifestation of energy is a bad thing.

And meditation gets me out of that bind.

The funny thing is once I get to a sufficient state of Buddha feeling I often relapse.

I think this is natural.

I mean if I constantly maintained the Buddha state I would do so out of fear of the relapsed state.

So I just bounce from one to the other.

And the thing is each bounce doesn’t just seem a mundane back and forth. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with myself when I don’t do what I know I should and do what I know I shouldn’t.

Now I can hear gasps of shock in my imagined audience. But the strange thing is that as I have become more comfortable with the mess I am I have been able to maintain a competence within that mess that I couldn’t when I fought it.

The mess doesn’t change. I still stutter, feel anxious and what not but on another level I’m not there trying to fight it.

I think this is the bodisattva (I probably haven’t spelt that right but those who care about such trivial nonsense ain’t getting it and those that don’t don’t need to get it. Haha do you enjoy my dance? I do) phenomena.

I think everyone gets those flashes or times of satori, enlightenment or whatever and in them they have the choice whether or not to come back and they always come back because the only reason they wouldn’t is fear and satori and fear are kind of mutually exclusive.

Most people get them on the edge of sleep and wakefulness.

I don’t know if meditation and mindfulness would work for you. I just know they do for me. I hope they work for you. But you might be on a different path.

Maybe there is no hope for you. I simply don’t know. I just know what works for me and I feel so lucky it does.

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The purpose-less ground of purpose

There is a sense in which people think nature is stupid.

They think a huge mistake was made when nature spawned man and that man is now going to turn around and destroy nature.

“Obviously” they say “nature doesn’t want that!”

But nature doesn’t mind what happens. All this stuff springs up and passes away. For no reason.

Sometimes reasons spring up. They have their day and when they are fulfilled puff they go like everything else.

Sometimes they don’t even get fulfilled they just get forgotten. It doesn’t matter; the same event happens to the fulfilled as well as the unfulfilled purpose eventually.

But nature, the tao, god or whatever sign you want doesn’t mind what happens.

What we’ve done when we say nature is stupid is separated a small part of nature from the rest and then attributed to it humanity.

We have made an image of a bit of nature we call earth and said it cares about going on as it is and it’s stupid because it has brought about it’s own destruction by giving birth to man.

But there are other planets.

There is the universe.

Really it’s an expression of our own fear for survival.

We want nature to be on our side. So we attribute to it our own interests.

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it’s your eyes He’s seeing through

As depeche mode put it.

We call nature stupid because it isn’t fulfilling the purposes we want it to have; because it has no purposes.

It’s just stuff happening.

Who told you you have to be warm?

Here am I forsaken and alone

Seeking for solace from a cold stone.

I suck at it’s pap sweet milk of oblivion

Wanting an other

to do me

For me.

I’m a cold stone seeking heat from amongst the cold stones

I don’t stop despite the blisters that come from my shaking groans.

For a bit the pain feels like warmth

But soon fades and all I’m left with is the cold and the pain.

One day a whisper will creep into my mind.

I’ll distrust it at first because it’s unfamiliar

Because all the other whispers disagree

And tell me this whisper’s seductive chant is dangerous.

But eventually I’ll be forced to turn and listen

By the endless failures

By the ceaseless cold.

The whisper says:

Who told you you have to be warm?

A shiver

exactly like all the shivers I’d shivered before

runs through me

except this time it’s different.

I know what I should do but I don’t do it!

We know what we should do but we don’t do it it.

By should I don’t mean a moralistic should. I don’t mean a social norm.

I don’t mean by this that we know we should help the little old lady cross the road but don’t.

Sure there are some who feel that should. It can be a should.

What I mean is we know what we should do to be more content.

Or at least we think we do and that’s all I need for my point.

For instance personally I know I should practice mindfulness and meditation in the sense that eckhart tolle teaches it.

Not because I want to gain a special insight or to get enlightened but simply because I know it makes life incredibly pleasant for me.

I don’t know if it would for you. I would certainly suggest anyone give it a go.

But I do know from past experience that it propels me into a state of almost constant, peaceful ecstasy.

A bit like drugs except you have all the pros of sobriety and all the pros of inebriation. It really is quite fantastic.

So saying this why don’t I practice it?

Why am I not doing it Now?

To get at my reason maybe I could come at it unawares so to speak.

There may be some among you who if I said “You should try meditation” would look at me, see that I don’t practice (Well always) what I preach and decide on that basis to not bother.

You could be very unhappy and want to he happy.

Now then even if I don’t practise what I preach why should you not try it?

I mean it might work and the cost if it doesn’t is a couple of minutes out of your day.

Really you use the fact that I don’t practice what I preach as an excuse for you not to bother and the reason you use it as an excuse is the exact same reason why I don’t practice what I preach.

We’re lazy. We say we want something yet we do not do the very things that will or might bring us that thing.

In a sense this is a kind of ground.

When asked why we are like this we are left with nothing else to say but other ways of saying the same thing.

I don’t do what I know I should because I am lazy; laziness is just another way of saying you don’t do what you know you should.

There’s only one answer and it’s really quite simple.

How do we stop not doing what we know we should?

Just do it silly.

Why don’t we do it?

Because we don’t haha.

It’s incredibly simple.

To avoid this. To avoid getting what we want we come up with all sorts of crazy schemes. The craziest of all is this blame game!

Mummy issues

When I was younger I used to have a go at my parents for how they brought me up.

I would criticize them for not making me fit in more.

I think this is a common thing with us humans.

It takes many guises but all the forms it takes share a common theme. You are blaming someone for you.

You are saying that because your parents did this you’re a fuck up.

That because you didn’t have parents you’re a fuck up.

That because this person did this horrible thing you are a fuck up.

So you have a go at these people or parents. You’re angry at them.

But say you get what you think you want.

You have a go at them and they cry. They get down on their knees and say “sorry”.

What good is that to You? You’re still a fuck up right?

All of us can do some things and can’t do other things. Every one of us knows what we should do and to varying degrees don’t do it.

This is universal and this is why you think you’re a fuck up.

Everyone reacts to stimuli differently. A thing a parent does to one child that makes them happy could traumatize another.

Human interaction is a game of roulette.

All that we are doing when we blame other people for ourselves is avoiding the issue.

You don’t like yourself. That is the problem. You think you are a badly made human being.

Even if this is true what good is an apology? After all it would just be someone else agreeing with your self loathing. “I’m sorry I fucked you up.” Is just “You’re a fuck up” wearing a smiling mask.

Why do you think you’re a fuck up?

According to whom?

Where did you get your standards from? Do you even know?

Don’t you see that as long as you operate within this framework you will never stop hating yourself?

That even if you manage to be who you think you should be there will be that little voice at the back of your head that says “You’re a fake.”

The broken image called “You”(A poem)

You hide behind a broken image

Of shattered glass

Your hope to last

For one more breath

past the breath allotted as your last.

You fear the blast of your past

that carries you uncomfortably fast

to that last breath you’ll breath out too fast

And sighing say I shoulda, coulda but didn’t

Because I hid behind a broken smile

an unspoken word that dragged for a mile.

You hide because of the stutter

the stammer that putters

that bothers nobody but you

So you sit on the pew

Ashamed before a god that isn’t ashamed of you

Ashamed of scars that nobody sees but you

Ashamed of flaws that are divine glimmers in the eyes of others

But you don’t see the you the others see

You see the you constructed to condemn you by you against you

You see this because you aren’t you

You are a thought you have that has taken over you

an image placed between you and another

separating you from any other

You are a perversion that you need to smother

Go back into mother, lose your other

regain your tie to the all-person tether

Realize you are God the father.

Now smile.

On self-improvement

Who taught us to be displeased with ourselves?

Where did we get the idea that we have to better ourselves?

This drive within ourselves to overcome what we perceive of as inadequacies is the internal equivalent of the external reality of rape and pillage that we call capitalism.

On a lot of dating websites there’s a category that asks you whether or not you are ambitious. Everyone says they are.

Ambition is the ethic par excellence in our society.

What is ambition if not a dis-satisfaction with where-ever and what-ever you are now. That is to say that the driving ideal of the world civilisation is self-loathing!

We hate ourselves and because we hate ourselves we do violence to ourselves and others.

We seek to locate the flaw either within or without.

I truly think that the only way to be sane, to be at peace, to love yourself is to shed society.

This doesn’t mean don’t do things or don’t work. It means a fuck you to all ideals, to self-perfection, and to self-betterment.

Of course there is an irony here because in order to inhabit this state one must shed their socializations and this is a long, difficult process. It is a constant state of repentance, of turning away, of seeing that self-loathing within oneself which has been your mainstay throughout your life and saying “Fuck you” then turning away from it internally.

By ignoring it after a while – like the spoilt brat it is – it will just go away. Every now and then it will rear its ugly head and because after a while of doing this you begin to see it for the destructive son of a bitch it is you won’t be tempted to engage it anymore.

But it’s clever. With me for years it kept its spiteful talons in my flesh through making me feel bad about myself in comparison with others. Now it’s changed its tune. I compare myself with others and I come out smelling of roses; they’re all so stupid.

But I know it and it’s wily ways and it can fuck the fuck off!

Mental Illness and the internal narrative

Most mental illness can be traced to narcissism.

Previously I said that mental illness is when the self society demands of an individual is something the individual cannot attain to. The conflict between the real self of the individual and the self society glorifies being mental illness.

Now this still holds but it doesn’t go deep enough.

Most people spend their whole lifes as if they are on stage; as if they are playing a role in a drama. Of course this role is the central role.

Just listen to the internal dialogue you have when you are feeling depressed, anxious or whatever.

“Poor me, why are they looking at me, what did I do to deserve this, why is this happening to me, they aren’t showing me enough appreciation…”

The problem with perceiving yourself in this way is that in any drama (or even comedy) there has to be suffering, conflict, and unattained desires.

Happy people have a different dialogue.

“My life is so good, everyone loves me, I’m so happy…”

Very happy and content people have no dialogue.

In a sense we construct a narrative about ourselves and then we project ourselves into that narrative. The problem here is that society doesn’t applaud positive narratives about the self.

Try telling people you think you are a genius and try telling people you think you are shit. Compare the results. I bet that you will be called names and put down if you declare a positive narrative concerning yourself but people will rally around you if you declare a negative narrative. Just look at Russell Brand and Kanye West.

What this essentially does is positively reinforce a negative opinion of yourself that few people are able to overcome or even realize as the cause of their suffering. Few people have access to a realm of knowledge that transcends the opinions of others.

No matter how much they may affirm that all because everyone says something is so doesn’t mean it is so they still cannot let go of popular opinion. They cannot let go of that crutch and learn to walk on their own.

There is a way out though but it is slow and gradual. There are no on and off switches, you are not a computer; you are a plant and plants grow slowly.

The way out is to recondition your mind to shut-up. Don’t try to replace the negative narrative with a positive narrative. Just practice shutting that voice in your nut up. This is the power of mindfulness and meditation.

We have better things to learn from children than they from us!

Today at work, whilst I was cleaning the windows; there were a group of mothers with their children. The children were all toddlers.

They were running around trees in ecstasies of delight.

The children that is; not the adults. They were just stood with their prams and their touch-screen phones sedately discussing the weather (which was glorious).

As I listened I heard the mothers say things like “Yes! That’s a tree, dear!” as if by giving a word for the thing that the child was frolicking around was something marvellous.

The child already knew what a tree was! He didn’t care about its name; he was already using it; he was already enjoying it.

I realized we have a lot more important and valuable things to learn from children than children have to learn from us.

The one thing children have that we don’t need is the need for approval.

We’re all born “approval junkies” as the brilliant film “revolver” states.

The function of the desire for approval is to motivate the child to learn to function in the world. To give it the umph necessary to enter new realms of play.

But once this function is fulfilled the need for approval becomes a bane. It become The (with a capital T) curse that stops us playing, frolicking and using life for what life’s for: fun.

What we need to learn from the child is to be care-free; to play; to run around trees giggling in delight.

What we need to learn from children is that fun is free; play is the purpose of life; to laugh hysterically at apparently inconsequential things and to laugh at the stares!

And parents need to stop inculcating shame (a consequence of the need for approval) into their children. But I know, I know! You’re so caught up so much in the anxiety caused by your child acting out of the ordinary that you can’t help it.

Oh please like and subscribe. I’m still an approval junkie; a dog that wags its tail when you pat its head and tell it it’s been a good boy!

Naked Revolution

Naked Revolution.

 

The thing is freedom!

 

I should be free to wear nothing if I want to!

 

Clothes cost money and take effort to put on; all you have to do if you don’t want to see me naked is not look at me.

 

You know turn your head. You’re doing it all the time anyway so it’s not really that out of your way now is it?

But for me to pander to you commercially inspired social conditioning I have to waste money and effort on trousers, shirts and what not.

You know what I think you should do? Yes you with the morally outraged look on your face. I think you should fuck off!