The thing about life is that you have to take risks.
This is a double-edged sword because on the one hand in taking that risk you feel more alive; on the other hand taking that risk puts you in a tumultuous state.
There are no certainties.
You can’t peer into the other’s head and gain security. That security only comes with time.
It’s like the more times the same things happen in the past the more secure you feel they will continue to happen in the future.
And of course you’ve guessed it: I’m talking about love again.
I’ve analysed the situation I’m in and have ascertained the best case scenario and the worst case scenario.
Like all situations of this type they are incredibly simple. It is not difficult to figure out the possibilities and the best course of action to take.
Either they are telling the truth or they are not. You can model both cases with ease in the mind.
In my present situation I have come to the conclusion that I am going to act on the best case scenario: that is to believe everything she tells me because if I act on that assumption it gives space for the best case scenario to happen and the worst case scenario to happen.
If I act on the assumption of the worst case scenario then that will force the worst case scenario to happen.
If the worst case scenario turns out to be the case then I’ll be miserable for a while then return to the discontented peace I began with waiting for the next risk to come along.
I have spent such a long time looking at love from a distance that I had forgotten the emotional turmoil involved in it.
I had forgotten the strength the emotions have to move the heart.
I had forgotten that to love is like giving part of yourself away you didn’t even realize you had until you had given it away.
That’s not to say that someone should be with me because of this. I want them to give me what I have given them.
If they don’t want to give me what I have given them; I’d rather they just gave it back.
But if they mess around with it that’s fine to. Well it’s not because it would hurt.
But people hurt because they hurt; because they are hurt. Wounded people wound people.
I would instantly forgive the person, still be their friend and just get on with stitching the wound that time will show to be no wound at all.
I’m scared really!
I’m scared that my castle of hope is built on sand.
I’ve invested myself without even realizing I’ve been doing so.
There are so many uncertainties that only time will disclose. So many truths that could be untruths because so far its all been words.
On those words my heart has flown into the heavens and now it’s looking down and thinking:
“Shit… that’s a long way to fall!”