A plead

I don’t know…

It feels like I’m losing you; before i even had you.

I don’t mean that sexually.

My guts feel all twisted up I’m so worried that I’ve done something wrong.

I feel like have done something irrevocable.

I so want you.

In so many ways

I feel like I’m walking a tightrope with no safety net.

I’m scared that it’s all a trick and on friday you won’t be there.

I’ll be left with a dead rose in my hand and an abyss in my heart

please don’t be a trick; please don’t leave before you even arrive.


Love Drug

I’m just being a Silly Billy aren’t I?
My last love relationship was five years ago.

It only lasted a month. I fall quickly.

When I hit the ground it hurts.

When she went I put up no resistance.

I felt all the urges to try to shout, scream and plead; but all I did was write her an e-mail that compared human’s to diamonds. It’s basic premise was you don’t know me fully yet; maybe there are parts of me you’d love if you were only aware of them.

So I did plead! Would you look at!

Anyway that was all I did, when she replied in the negative I accepted and let her go.

I want love; not an object to possess.

Still when she went I withdrew into myself it hurt so much.

This has been the first time since then that I’ve let my self out.

Well I didn’t really have a choice you dragged my heart out before I’d even realized it had gone.

Actually dragged is the wrong word.

You’re a drug I’ve chosen to take and damn I like it!

If I’m to you what you are to me then we can take each other.

Unlike drugs though with love the more you take the better it becomes.

Power is an Illusion especially in pseudo-love

Power is ever an illusion.

It is based on sleight of hand and magician’s tricks.

It is a transitory feeling that only lasts as long as it’s expressed.

How can you control what is not you when you can’t even choose your next thought?

Power is ever The illusion.

It is the disguise behind which the cowardly hide from the painful knowledge that comes from head-butting a mountain again and again.

Power is ever an illusion,

It sustains itself by tricking other’s into thinking they’re not good enough. That they need more to be better.

Power hides behind another illusion: perfection.

“You want to be perfect don’t you?” Power whispers seductively into the slaves ear.

The gangsters in the slums who hook chumps on drugs to do their bidding; are no different to the bankers in their sky-scrapers who hook chumps on paper to do their bidding.

Power is ever an illusion.

How can you control what is not you when you can’t even choose your next intention?

The real power lies in the eyes of the people deceived into being slaves.

It lies in the power they have to turn around and call the deluded megalomaniac’s bluff.

“Pull the trigger.”

You calmly state with that look in your eye that says “I’m ready to die!”

“Be the king of an empty kingdom you poor foolish man”

Love is a Circus 2

My response to the wise words of my love:

“Your brain is stupid if I wanted to cheat if do it with someone dumber than you which a huge cock and no strings!”

I concur.
I don’t believe that. I believe every word you tell me. But the mind is meant to be our slave and not our master.
It doesn’t like this state of affairs so it tries anything to get you to be its slave.
Those thoughts are the bullhook the mind uses to keep us in line.

Love is a Circus

[An email I sent to my lover who is in an abusive and controlling relationship after watching “Water for Elephants” which she told me to watch because she thought it described our predicament]
If I hadn’t learnt the skill of controlling my mind I’d be in torment in our present predicament.
Basically mind says something like “She’s just coming to you; to cheat on him to; get back at him for cheating on her”, “He’s hurting her right now.”, “He won’t let her go” and such thoughts.

That thought then causes an emotion.

Now most people go into a feedback loop.

The emotion makes them think the kind of thought that caused the emotion which causes them to think that type of thought which causes the emotion…
The loop goes on and on like a spinning top; except it doesn’t slow down but whirls faster and faster and faster until you’re in a frenzy and don’t know what to do with yourself.
The trick is to focus on the emotion.
Ignore the thought.
The thought will continue speaking in your head for a bit because it craves your attention. It feeds off your attention; sapping you of all your positive energy and feelings like a vampire.
The trick is when your mind produces thoughts you enjoy have fun with them; pay attention to them, revel and whirl till you’re a tornado of ecstasy.
When your mind produces thoughts that cause you pain or suffering pay attention to the feelings. The physical feelings.

Treat your mind like a dog. When it does what you want give it a treat: your attention. When it does what you don’t want give it a tap on the nose: with-hold your attention.

Treat your mind like a garden. Water and fertilize the flowers; give drought and famine to the weeds.

The cool thing is that the emotional turmoil negative thoughts produce is often such an intense feeling that it’s quite easy to keep your attention on that feeling and ignore the thought.

Like training any dog it takes time.
I’ve been doing it for years.
I’ve fully analysed our predicament. Realized there’s nothing I can currently do. Realized that in fact the power is in your hands. I’m like the vet in that film “Water for Elephants” and you have to choose whether to jump with me or not.
We just need to find an elephant.

The Heidegger Effect

I’ve been reading Heidegger’s “Being and Time” and it has made work most entertaining.

At work I no longer see mopping as a chore; but as the world of “Mopping” being disclosed to me. I see that the mop is “handy”.

It is an “In-Order-To” do the “What-For” of cleaning the floor.

In its turn cleaning the floor is an “In-Order-To” do the “What-for” of making the store look appealing. To make the store look appealing is an “In-Order-To” do the “What-For” of selling products.

I see that sometimes I do the mopping authentically. This is when I am unaware of the mop but aware of the floor. I look with circumspection (I am new to Heidegger so please correct me if I use that or any term incorrectly) at the floor for stains. I am open to opportunities that disclose themselves for me to clean.

I also see that I often (well most of the time) mop unauthentically when I am not paying attention to the task at hand but am lost in thoughts about something like for example “Being and Time”.

I also use a big green machine to clean the floor. Sometimes the big green machine breaks and becomes conspicuous. I become obstructed in my task and have to fix it. In the act of fixing it I become aware of a small referential totality.

The machine consists of a spinning wheel, a squirting device which emits water and a vacuum device that sucks up the dirty water after the spinning wheel and the water have cleaned a bit of the floor. I have to examine these parts “In-order-to” do the “what-for” of fixing the machine.

Forgive any errors of understanding or misuse of terms. This is my first read through and I am only up to Chapter 3  $17. “Reference and Signs” (that is I am yet to read that bit but have read the bit just before).

I’m reading the Joan Stambaugh translation revised by Dennis J. Schmidt. This copy: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Being-Time-Translation-Contemporary-Continental/dp/1438432763/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1430255264&sr=8-1&keywords=being+and+time

Advice I gave to a Beautiful woman on how to Deal with Period Pains.

My advice to you is to lay in bed and focus on the pain.

If you’ve read my things on meditation you should get this.

Meditation is basically where you pay attention to something. When you realize that your attention has wandered; you just bring it back to what you have chosen to pay attention to.

Pain is awesome for this because it is such an intense feeling that it is easy to keep your attention on it.

At first the pain may intensify when you look at it. That is your ego throwing a tantrum because it uses pain as one of the ways to make you think that you are it.

You say things like “this is my pain” and thus the ego affirms itself as you.

You are the silent witness; like the screen onto which images are projected isn’t affected by those images but remains unchanged.

Pain is just one of those images.

Ask yourself the question:

What makes pain different to any other experience?”

“Because it hurts!” Is not an answer; it’s a tautology; hurt and pain are synonyms.

What makes pain different to other experiences is that you don’t like it.

Set a timer for 20 minutes and during that time pay attention to the pain and whenever your attention wanders and you realize it has wandered bring it back.

That’s what meditation is.

It isn’t not thinking; it’s just choosing to pay attention to something other than thought.

If you do this for 20 minutes you will have moments when you experience the pain as something happening outside of you.

You will see it has interesting qualities.

Maybe you’ll get a brief experience of enlightenment where all there will be is the pain; but there’ll be no-one there experiencing the pain to not like it.

The pain will become like a dance you are watching.

It’s one of whatever-it-is-that-controls-this-whole-shabang’s little tricks it plays to get you to realize your true nature: the silent witness.

The ego has tricked us into thinking that it’s the important thing. Once you realize you are not your ego then you can have fun with the ego.

You can play around by putting on different egos.

The ego is necessary to interact with other people; but the ego should not be in control.

It has tricked people into thinking it’s in control and this has caused the suffering which you’ll realize is an illusion once you realize you are not your ego but that the ego is your tool.

My first epiphany

I think understanding is like space. To be understood you need to be with someone with a deeper understanding than you.

I don’t care whether people understand me. I had to let go of that years ago. It’s symptomatic of reading a wide range of literature that people just aren’t going to “get you”.Descartes’ – it could be someone else –  said that reading is like travelling and sometimes one can travel so much that they become a stranger in their own land.

I used to be scared of being influenced and I figured there are two ways to avoid being influenced:

1) Isolate yourself from all sources of influence
2) take into yourself as many and as varied a range of influences as you can.
I took the 1st option for a bit, got bored then went for the 2nd option.
So I’ve read literature from all over the world, from all the time periods and cultures that produced literature.I’ve read history, philosophy (a fuck load of philosophy! Really philosophy is all you really need; everything else grows out of philosophy) novels and spiritual texts.

I spent a year in my room reading stuff I didn’t understand because I wanted to know the truth and I thought it was in books. (Good thing I love the sound of the english language).I can remember the first time I made a leap up in understanding. My first epiphany.

It was on holiday.
I had been reading Jean-Paul Sartre’s “Being and nothingness” and the only philosophical text I had read before then was Plato’s “republic”.I had been trying so hard to understand it. Reading the same paragraph or sentence over and over again.

Then one night as I was dropping off to sleep it just came clear. It was like an onion unpeeling before my eyes. All these layers of meaning just unravelling.
I realized that what I thought was me trying to understand the text was really me trying to get the text to say what I already believed. It was me clinging to my beliefs which I’d inherited.
Of course I couldn’t sleep after that and just wandered around the seaside town and the world was different. It glowed. I saw it from two perspectives my old perspective and the new one I had just understood.
I realized I’d managed to turn my head in cave.Since then I have lived for those epiphanies and the world has become more and more beautiful the more I have let go of beliefs.

Woes of love Part 2

The thing about life is that you have to take risks.

This is a double-edged sword because on the one hand in taking that risk you feel more alive; on the other hand taking that risk puts you in a tumultuous state.

There are no certainties.

You can’t peer into the other’s head and gain security. That security only comes with time.

It’s like the more times the same things happen in the past the more secure you feel they will continue to happen in the future.

And of course you’ve guessed it: I’m talking about love again.

I’ve analysed the situation I’m in and have ascertained the best case scenario and the worst case scenario.

Like all situations of this type they are incredibly simple. It is not difficult to figure out the possibilities and the best course of action to take.

Either they are telling the truth or they are not. You can model both cases with ease in the mind.

In my present situation I have come to the conclusion that I am going to act on the best case scenario: that is to believe everything she tells me because if I act on that assumption it gives space for the best case scenario to happen and the worst case scenario to happen.

If I act on the assumption of the worst case scenario then that will force the worst case scenario to happen.

If the worst case scenario turns out to be the case then I’ll be miserable for a while then return to the discontented peace I began with waiting for the next risk to come along.

I have spent such a long time looking at love from a distance that I had forgotten the emotional turmoil involved in it.

I had forgotten the strength the emotions have to move the heart.

I had forgotten that to love is like giving part of yourself away you didn’t even realize you had until you had given it away.

That’s not to say that someone should be with me because of this. I want them to give me what I have given them.

If they don’t want to give me what I have given them; I’d rather they just gave it back.

But if they mess around with it that’s fine to. Well it’s not because it would hurt.

But people hurt because they hurt; because they are hurt. Wounded people wound people.

I would instantly forgive the person, still be their friend and just get on with stitching the wound that time will show to be no wound at all.

I’m scared really!

I’m scared that my castle of hope is built on sand.

I’ve invested myself without even realizing I’ve been doing so.

There are so many uncertainties that only time will disclose. So many truths that could be untruths because so far its all been words.

On those words my heart has flown into the heavens and now it’s looking down and thinking:

“Shit… that’s a long way to fall!”