It’s difficult being single and really wanting to be with someone.
I know exactly what I want and I know there is only one way of getting it. I want to be loved authentically for the dance I dance spontaneously. The only way to get this is to be fearlessly authentic and open.
Not to hide or act with deceit.
The problem is that there’s also a risk attached. I may not get what I want.
The secret to life is letting go. I have accepted that I may not get what I want.
I look around me and I see most people in damaging relationships where neither is who they are authentically. Both of them constantly struggling to assure the other that they truly are the fake they pretended to be when they wooed them and arguing when this struggle inevitably ends in failure.
I do not want that. I’ve given in to the urge for sex a few times. Found someone with low-self-esteem and tricked myself into believing that I could be happy with them. But I couldn’t maintain it.
There are two sides of this. I want to be loved authentically and I want to love authentically. I cannot lie to myself for long it always crumbles.
The path lies between these two extremes. On the one hand modifying my self expression to fit what I believe the others will desire and on the other hand picking anyone whether or not I really like them.
The only way I can walk this path is through meditation, through the practise of letting go, of giving up on the illusion that I have any form of control.
It’s not actually that hard; but the stronger the desire the harder it is to let go of it. This is good because you only become better at something by fighting a stronger opponent. Also the illusion is easily dispelled.
I don’t have what I want now and no matter what I do I won’t get it now so I might as well practice letting go now because it is more comfortable to let go than it is to cling on. Clinging hurts and with letting go there is an initial fright before one finds themselves in flight.
The narrative is this: Let if go, pick it back up, realize you’ve picked it back up and let it go again.