Woes of love 4

[Quick background: my lover is in an abusive and controlling relationship. “Monitor” is what we call him in our correspondence. I’ve met her in person. She stayed round mine this weekend and it was perfect. But it’s complicated. I’m not a man of means. I only work 12 hours a week. But I’m looking for more work]

Oh…

Can’t you say no?

Actually ignore that you’re your own person, you can make your own choices and nothing can change how I feel for you.

I don’t like Monitor!

I don’t even know him!

When I think about him I get feelings I haven’t had in such a long time that they’re barely recognizable to me now.

There’s a red-hot anger boiling inside of me getting hotter and hotter but it’s also a cold anger.

An anger that doesn’t cloud my judgement.

An anger that says:

“Use his anger against him. Let him know that she loves me. Then let him beat the shit out of me. Then get him done for attempted murder.

“Use his anger to make him fuck his entire life up.

“Use his anger to make it so that he’ll spend time locked up with sex starved men far stronger than him who’ll leave him waddling like a penguin; black and blue from the brutality with which they’ll use him as a sex toy because of what he puts you through!”

But I’m powerless. I don’t even know his full name. I don’t even know where they live.

So I listen to the voice; let it say its piece. Than watch the anger slowly vanish as I ignore the voice.

I’m not a poor little me. What will be will be it just hasn’t happened yet.

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