I find that my personal spiritual path is like a sine wave; it goes up and down. There are times when I am highly motivated and I’ll spend all my time battling the beast of desire. Well I say “Battling” but what I really mean is meditating lots and not eating every now and then. Also during those periods when I want something I’ll ask myself “Do I really need this?” and other such questions and act prudentially according to the answer.
At other times I’m like “Fuck it I’m gonna have a cookie and a spliff then a wank!” and have a cookie and a spliff and a wank. For a while I’ll be quite – by which I mean very – self-indulgent which always seems to end up in the same place! Basically me feeling bloated and stupid (from the spliff) and laid on my bed liking shit on facebook all day. (The funny thing is that generally the stuff I’m liking on facebook is all about advaita and freedom… You know the inspirational pictures of sunsets that tell you to go and and live life!). After a while of this kind of behavior I get fed up and start back on the spiritual path and it oscillates.
Well it isn’t strictly a sine wave… rather it is a sine wave that appears to be moving in an up-ward direction. See currently I am on the bottom part of the sine wave only this time I have been maintaining minimal practice (Meditate twice a day for 20 minutes and practice presence whenever I’m out and about) whereas last time I just gave the whole thing up (despite knowing how efficacious it is for social anxiety problems). So this time, though I’m being more lazy (notice the infrequency of blogs!) and self-indulgent I’m still more confident than before. I think this shows the power of mindfulness because it is the only thing that has enabled me to live my philosophy! In the past I would have become ashamed of being self-indulgent! Not on an intellectual conscious level but on a sub-conscious level. The part of me that is the voice of society would overwhelm me into non-complicit silence and stammers. Now it doesn’t because I’ve learned to be here and now more habitually!