Since I’ve been practicing mindfulness and meditation I have noticed a definite change in behavior and general life. There are certain things I am doing now that I wouldn’t of dreamed I would be doing last year. Sure to a lot of people they would seem insignificant but to me they are anything but.
One of those things is keeping up a writing practice. I’d always meant to in the past but when it came to putting pen to paper – or finger to keyboard – I’d just hit that blank wall and give up. Or I’d write a bit and think “I’ll finish that!” And never finish it because I didn’t have a clue what a finish would look like.
Also there was the whole perfection thing… Now that was a right bugger! It’s because of that – and pretty much just because of that… well that and social anxiety – that I never finished college. I would get so hecked up about doing the course-work just right that I’d never do it! I was a right silly billy. The funny thing is I was quite good at exams. I would have been better if I’d revised. That was another thing – I never tried revising because I wasn’t quite sure what it was… I mean remember stuff… OK so I had this herculean task of rote memorization in my head – that was the ideal I thought was worthwhile – and because of that I didn’t do it! Stupid I know.
But mindfulness and meditation has changed that. Now I’m OK with imperfection. I’m going to be posting this on my blog! In the past I would have maybe posted a few things that I thought were decent, tried to write some more decent things (whatever decent is :S), failed, got frustrated and given up. Now I’m cool with it.
My mind – the tricksy beast – yammers on at me saying things like “Start writing a novel, essays, start fasting, quit this, start that! Go on you’ll be an ubermensch”. It’s a little sod because it knows that if I start trying to do all those different things at once I’ll fail and become frustrated and miserable… which is what it wants because then it can come in and be like “See I’m always here for you! Here have this pleasurable fantasy about being able to go back in time! Isn’t that nice!”
The cool thing about mindfulness and meditation is that they’ve enabled me to give these things a go. Now I’ve got this core practice of 2 sessions of meditation a day when I fail or give in to that urge to be lazy I find that the meditation allows me to be lazy for a bit but then it picks me up again. Instead of giving into laziness for a bit, becoming despondent and depressed, and as a result becoming more lazy now I find that I’ll give into laziness for a bit, get fed up then start doing stuff again. That’s not to say I’m a “super-human” for maintaining meditation… I’m just lucky that I enjoy it.