I have a confession to make… It is a bit shameful… At least I find it shameful or rather there is a feeling of shame attached to it though rationally I know there is no justification for that shame. A couple of posts ago I talked about how I’d quit watching pornography. Though I didn’t also mention it I’d also quit masturbation generally.

I hadn’t quit either of them for any moral reasons but because I’ve heard from multiple sources that there is a lot of energy surrounding sex and orgasm in the body. So I wanted to experiment with that in my spiritual/meditative practices.

To do so I’d have to quit masturbation which is easier said than done. Especially if you’re like me and you’ve got a libido that would shame a rabbit. For months I tried quitting. Some times I’d manage 5 whole days before up the tumescent member popped and demanded to be touched and I – being the grotty servant I am – would acquiesce in shame.

This was until a month ago. I don’t know how or why but the desire just left. I’d get erect from time to time but it had no pull, no attachment to my inclination. So for a month I did not masturbate and it was easy. It was like I was in a state of grace.

On this weekend though… the day before I posted my analysis of my view of beauty before and after porn – see how shameful it is… I’m almost as bad as those WWJD priests preaching abstinence whilst fondling choir girls (at least I wasn’t saying you shouldn’t do anything phew!) – I got very drunk. The next day on the hang-over I watched porn and masturbated!!! And since then the tumescent member has regained his influence!

And the reason I watched porn and masturbated wasn’t because I had a desire to… but because I wanted to see if I was truly free of it… I tested the state of grace and it broke 😥



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